Take a deep breath and imagine this. You're making out, clothes are flying off. You’re neither tipsy or buzzed. You're stone-cold sober and about to have some mind-blowing sex.
Welcome to the art of sober sex: pleasure without substances!
Clarity is hotter than vodka, consent is sexier than tequila and you get to remember every delicious detail the next morning.
For decades, queer bars were some of the only safe places to flirt, cruise, and meet other like-minded homosexuals. Queer bars have been our safe sanctuaries and our hookup hubs. For many though, migrating from the barstool to the bedroom is less than ideal. When you've connected hookups to substances in your brain and in your actions for years, changing that narrative can be challenging.
More babes than ever are ditching booze, weed and party drugs for a more clear-headed connection. For some folks, it’s about being sober. For others, it’s about being connected to their bodies, their partner’s bodies and their pleasure. Whether you’re fully sober or just want to partake in spontaneous sex without any sort of intoxicated haze, sober sex is achievable (and fun).
Not Gonna Lie: Sober Sex Can Be Scary
Sober sex can be scary if you’re used to hooking up with the help of being inebriated. Gone is your liquid courage but it’s replaced with clear-headed decisions and choices. This can seem really daunting and we’re not going to lie: it will feel awkward and weird at first. However, we can also promise that sober sex gets easier with practice.
Substances lower our inhibitions by numbing out discomfort, shame and embarrassment. Without them, sex can feel extra vulnerable, self-consciousness can arise and the shyness that booze or drugs covers up could feel very very present.
“One way I’ve started to think about alcohol’s role in sex, at least for me, is it’s like an invisibility cloak covering your naked body. It eliminates some inhibitions and gives you a sense of freedom (“I’m streaking!!!!”) while protecting you from being seen (“I’m invisible!!!!”).” -Vice
How Queers Can Cruise For Sober Sex
If you’re cruising for a hookup, announce on your profile that you’re sober/looking to play sober. As queers, we get to write our own sexual script and decide what it looks like! If sober sex feels too intimidating of a starting point, see if you can find someone to give or receive a sensual massage. Maybe you’d rather just do kink activities without sex involved as a way to dip your toe into sober sex. You can also list “come and use my holes, no talking” if the social aspect of sober sex seems like too much. This is also a great time to flex the role you might want to take in the bedroom: Seek out a dom to take control in the bedroom or boost your new clear-headed confidence by seeking out a sub.
Steps To Have Queer Sex Sober
First, just acknowledge that sober sex will likely feel unfamiliar and awkward at first and that is NORMAL and to be expected.
Control what you can and let go of what you can’t. There’s a lot of variables in sex, but some things are in your control. Dress in a way that makes you feel sexy and confident. Prep your space so your lube, toys and tools are accessible. Talk about barriers and safety practices ahead of time. Ask for a pep talk from your sluttiest friend. Boosting your confidence and feeling prepared is one tool for a successful sober hookup.
If you’re feeling extra nervous, take a second to breathe and slow down. Let your fingers linger on your lover’s body, take an extra minute just kissing before moving forward. Focus on being present with your body and take your time.
Leaning into the discomfort can help break the tension. Laughing with your partner when things feel a bit awkward can help both of you relax. Sex doesn’t have to be that serious!
When everyone’s sober, consent becomes foreplay, not formality. Communicate what feels good and what turns you on, as well as what’s off limits. Be curious with your partner about what feels good for them. This can add to that slow burn of desire! This is also a great time to pull out a toy and suggest using it together!
Leave a comment if you have any other sober sex tips for fellow queers! Otherwise, proudly put ‘No PNP’ on that Grindr profile and say goodbye to whiskey dick! It’s time to embrace enthusiastic sober hookups.